Safe Haven
by Noxid Anamchara
Summary: Shepard wakes from a nightmare to the warmth of him at her side, a constant reminder that she wasn't alone in this fight. And it's enough to keep the fear of failure at bay.


**Jade** : my first Shenko. takes place during ME3, once kaidan and shepard's relationship is rekindled. there's a conversation you have with Kaidan that implies they share a bed together. I choose to believe that once rekindled, its unspoken that he then shares her cabin until the very end. Shepard's name is Jane.

 **Disclaimer** : Mass Effect and all characters are the property of Bioware and EA games.

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 **Safe Haven**

 _She can hear the child laughing as she catches sight of him, caught in a mass of shadow and darkness. The light barely touches his figure and he almost blends in. He's bent over, as if he's digging. Until he hears something and he's up and running, like there's a monster on his heels. Instead of laughter she hears his panicked breathing like it was in her ear. She hesitates. This dream, this_ _ **nightmare**_ _is one she's replayed over and over again. The one she wakes to in a cold sweat, heart pounding in her chest. Where the voices of those lost to her whisper her name. The one dream she can't quite understand but feels as if the meaning is right in front of her face. She couldn't_ _ **save**_ _the child. She's tried over and over again but she doesn't make it in time._

 _She starts after him regardless, feet dragging beneath her as if they were weighed down. She's frustrated with her pace as she keeps chasing him. And the farther she goes, the further he gets._

 _The voices whisper from the shadows around her like their calling out, trying to draw her in. ghostly hands brushing her skin, sending a chill down her spine. She pushes forward, ignoring the dread in her chest._

 _When he finally stops, body still, she slows. That dread creeps down her chest, settling in the pit of her stomach. She_ _ **knows**_ _what happens next._

 _But that doesn't stop her surprise at watching the boy turn toward her before going up in flames, like some forewarning that she couldn't make sense of._

She wakes with a start, sucking in a breath, eyes wide open as her heart beats a fast rhythm in her chest. She breathes in again to steady her nerves and closes her eyes, pushing that feeling down. She was tired up waking up feeling like she was meant to fail. Every day she fought harder to bring this war to an end. And it always felt like she was getting nowhere. It's only when she smells him, feels his chest pressed to her back, his arm carelessly tossed across her waist that she breathes again in relief. After months without him, she couldn't describe how _grateful_ she was to have him back at her side. That feeling of love and warmth she was determined to hold onto, no matter how dark things got.

She'd never told him of her feelings, hoping that her actions were enough. It was hard to find a time and place where it was appropriate to admit that she _loved_ him. She had told him she didn't want to be without him. And maybe that had been enough. But at any moment she could lose him. And it was easier to put how she felt on the back burner, behind the ever-present war, then fall deeper into something she may not always have. Even if she never wanted to let him go. Even if she _couldn't_.

She had never had a home. She'd lived on the streets her entire life, struggling from day to day. Whatever she had been born from had no meaning. Even her gang had only been temporary. A family she couldn't quite rely on, a truce that they would stick together when no one else wanted them. Not so different from the parents who had left her behind. The alliance was different. It was _stable_. She knew what she was, where she belonged. She was a _soldier_. Important enough to be needed to protect. Where she could rely on the soldier at her side because they were all here for the same thing. _To protect_. And she put her life into it. Trained to be the best that she could be. Looked after the men and women she called comrades, brothers, sisters. She didn't fight for herself. She fought for _them_. And eventually she would _lead_ them. Command her own team. Lead them into battle and carry them home again. Her life was a rifle in one hand, and her biotics in the other defending the soldiers at her rear. She saved some, and lost too many.

And it wasn't until she met Kaidan that she knew what she had been missing. Being _wanted_. And it was only when she going through the Omega 4 Relay that she realized what she missed most about him.

He was the closest thing she knew to a _home_. He _was_ home. In a world where she had never had a place to call her own, where she felt comfortable and at ease, he gave her _hope_.

She turns to face him, careful not to wake him. Her head rests on his arm, and she can feel his fingers twitch along her skin. When she settles he moves, rolling to his back, arm falling away from her hip. Unconsciously the arm she's laying on tightens until he's nearly pressing her to his side. A small smile touches her features at how he managed to always be touching her even in sleep, his ability to always keep her _close_. Eyes follow the curve of his jaw, the outline of his lips, passing across his chest. She trails her fingers across his skin, following the ridge of muscle, passing scars, following them to others until her fingers are firmly wrapped around his hip. She presses her face to his chest.

He turns his face toward her, mumbling something as he draws in a breath, pressing his face against her hair. He's asleep and the instinct to walk away and leave him to his rest nearly takes hold of her. She had never liked putting her burdens on anyone else. Had always carried them on her own. It was _her_ responsibilities. Not the crews, not Anderson's, and not Kaidan's.

But she knew the others would disagree, especially Kaidan. He had always insisted that _no one_ could carry out this mission alone. And a part of her knew that. Knew that she would never have gotten this far without all of them. Without Mordin's sacrifice. Without Thane's. Without _Ashley's_. This time, instead of getting up and walking away, instead of pretending as if nothing bothered her, she pressed her face to his neck, lips brushing across his pulse there.

' _Next time, wake me. '_

"Kaidan?" It's a murmur against his skin, a breath off her lips. One she almost doesn't want him to hear, but hopes he will.

There's nothing in return, and she sighs, breath rushing out. She was already hesitant to wake him and this just seemed like further proof she shouldn't bother. Just because she wasn't getting any sleep didn't mean he had to suffer the same.

She's about to roll away when his arm moves beneath her, his fingers brushing against her back. And she's surprised when he presses her closer, her leg tangling with his.

"Everything okay?" His voice is rough, still edged with sleep. She loves that. Loves knowing that it's her he reserved this vulnerable, open person for. Loves how it sends a shiver down her spine. It doesn't stop him from shifting to his side, angled toward her. She can't help but press herself closer, legs twisting further with his. His bare skin against hers is the reason she falls asleep at night.

Though it doesn't stop the nightmares.

His hand falls at her hip, moving toward her back, just above her backside. He's waiting and she doesn't know what to say now that he's listening. When the silence stretches too long he presses his lips to her forehead, hand at her back, fingers splayed wide.

"I'm here for you Jane. Whatever you need."

She looks up, into his eyes, and finds comfort in the way he looks at her. Loves hearing him call her by name, raw and open, all the emotion she could see in his eyes laced in his voice. Like a soft prayer in the middle of the night. _Jane_. He hardly ever used her first name and it brings a warmth to her. And she remembers why she loved him so much.

 _His faith in her, even when she had none for herself._

She presses a kiss to his jaw, another to his lips softly before rolling onto her back, head still on his arm. He doesn't roll to meet her but instead runs his fingers through the hair that lay loose around her shoulders. It was one of the few times she kept it down. She stares at the ceiling, watching the stars and the galaxies fly by. She remembered the first time she had watched through the glass, both afraid that it would break and in awe of the scene before her. It was still beautiful.

"It's a nightmare." She doesn't say anything further and he doesn't press the issue. He waits patiently as he always does, as if she'll say more. And where she would have clammed up, the words come forth. Compelled by the silent understanding to relieve the burden on her shoulders.

"I'm trying to save…" she doesn't even know the boy's name, " _someone_. And I can't get to them in time. I can _never_ save them. And I listen to the voices of everyone I've ever lost, whispering to me." She runs a hand over her face, taking a deep breath. It was one thing to think and it was another to speak it aloud. Because it wasn't fear. She had faced death countless time to know that it was part of her life. She _had_ died. One day she would meet her time. It was the _doubt_ that she would fail and bring the galaxy with her.

She feels his fingers ghost across her stomach, from hip to hip. His knee bumps her leg and he curls his fingers around her side, pressing firmly, thumb moving in circles.

It was the doubt that she would send the galaxy to its death, unable to save _anyone_. The entire galaxy rested on her shoulders and should she fail? They would all go extinct, become pawns of the reapers. And in 50,000 years they would be doing the same thing to another race, another species, another galaxy.

She _never_ wanted the reapers to destroy another home, another world, _more_ people. It was a fate no one should have to endure. She'd never admit to that fear, but she had watched her home world be overrun and there was nothing anyone could do about it. How could she, one person, change that?

"I can't...I don't know if I can save anyone." She admits it with a resigned sigh, dragging a hand through her hair. Every mission she had felt confident she could do it. But this one? So much was at stake.

His hand pulled gently at her chin, drawing her gaze to his. His fingers ran across her jaw, the softest touch that tugged at her heart.

" _Hey, hey, hey_." His eyes searched hers, leaning closer until they were all she could see, their breath mingling together. His fingers wrapped loosely at the base of her neck, sending a shiver down her spine.

"We'll get through this. _Together_." There was so much _conviction_ in his voice that it was nearly impossible not to believe him.

"I _promise_." She smiles at his words, pressing her lips softly to his. She reaches up as she pulls away, fingers brushing over his lips, a caress of their own.

"Alright," she whispers back. She wasn't sure it was possible, but when he said it, she believed she could do anything. And if not for the entire galaxy, if not for the people she led into war, then at least for him. For _them_.

"Alright," he murmured back, sweeping her hair away, and pulling her flush against him, chin to the top of her head.

She closed her eyes and tucked her head beneath him, face pressed to his chest, lips touching his skin. She wrapped her own arm around his waist and felt a sense of renewal. She shouldn't doubt herself.

And if she ever did again, she would find him. Her haven in the chaos. The light in the darkness.

 _Home._

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 **End Notes** : it got a little smushier than I anticipated. and while I know Shepard may not be so _soft,_ I like the idea that away from all the prying eyes and responsibility she's just a woman, who's in love, with the weight of the galaxy on her shoulders. she's strong, yes. but she's also _human_. and I hope people remember that. I hope you can like this. also, a little background for my Shep; she's a Paragon/slight Paragade, Vanguard, red hair in a bun and green eyes, and faithful to Kaidan.

thank you for reading. leave a review if you'd like.


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